The Useful Box: Are mothering and fathering different? Should they ...

You don't hear much about mothering and/ or fathering these days. The media/ the literature/ friends and family are all about parenting.

Parenting is politically correct. It is gender-neutral, and non-discriminatory and is the accepted terminology in 2012. It sounds nice. It gives the picture of mum and dad and the kids all working in harmony, with each parent taking an equal and similar role in helping, growing and looking after their children. (Can't you see them playing together on the beach, everyone smiling?)

But there is implication and assumption in the word parenting. And, I don't think the assumption is correct. Parenting implies that men and women are the same. It implies that the role of mother and father in the life of a child is interchangeable. If you follow the ideal of parenting to its full implication, one parent becomes expendable. There is no need for the role of mother and father. There is only a parent (or two).

I use the word parenting all the time. It is socially conditioned in me. And, apart from the fact that I am home more than Matt, when we are all at home, our parenting duties are shared fairly evenly and equally. Sure, he does the rumbling and wrestling, and kicking a ball around. I do the cooking, craft activities and breastfeeding. When it comes to the basic duties (bath, getting into bed, reading stories, praying with the kids, cuddling, responding to food and drink requests, nappy changes and toileting help, conversations and 'discipline'), whoever is closest or most available does it. I like this, and don't think it is a problem. Parenting duties are different to parenting roles however.

I would have a serious problem if Matt was not around. (God-willing, we will not be in that situation, though I know sometimes single-parenting is a decision made for you). It is not just that he is another set of hands. It is not just that he brings the wisdom and perspective that you can have after 5pm when you haven't been in the trenches of parenting all day. His role as father is non-negotiable. He brings the adult male-ness to our family. He is the primary provider for our family. He is the physical protector of our family (I'm not going outside at night to investigate strange noises!), and he is the spiritual leader of our family. This is what our family needs.

Likewise, my role in our family is unique, and I hope Matt would say that my role as mother is not expendable. I am the main nurturer in our family. I am usually the giver of food (obviously in infancy, when breastfeeding, but later too). I know how much sleep each child has had. I know (in general) where each child is at developmentally. I know what relational or behavioural concerns we are dealing with at any given time (not to say I know how to deal with them!). I am the household organiser. I (usually) know which sheets are due to be washed, when the bathroom was last cleaned, what we will be having for dinner that week, what is on the family calendar. In short, I have my head around the things of the home more than Matt does. Matt definitely contributes, but he doesn't think about these things like I do.

I was recently listening to an old radio interview with a guy called George Gilder. He is an ultra-conservative US-based political, economic and social commentator. He is now in his 70s. In 1973, he published a controversial book called "Sexual Suicide", speaking out against a lot of feminist ideas of the time. I don't agree with everything he said, but I found the interview fascinating.

In "Sexual Suicide", George Gilder suggests that all men have a level of hormone-fueled aggression that needs to be channeled in a constructive way. According to Gilder, the most constructive way (in society) for men to channel this aggression is to assume the role of the protector and provider of women and children - specifically, the role of a father. He points out that single men are statistically more likely to be the perpetrators of crime, members of gangs, abusers of women (through promiscuity, or violence), unemployed, drug addicted or leading otherwise purposeless lives. (There are exceptions to these generalisations of course). When men fail to take the role of protector and provider for their women and children (or, when women do not allow them to have this role), they generally don't do well.

Gilder also suggests that women rip themselves off when we allow men to dodge their responsibilities as husbands and fathers. According to Gilder, women allow the dodging of responsibilities when we try to take on the roles traditionally (and Biblically) given to fathers - e.g. as the primary bread-winner of the family, as the physical protector of the family, and as the spiritual head of the family. Women may take on these roles out of necessity (e.g. the man is not around, or is ill etc), or out of a desire for control, or because of the laziness of the husband. But, according to Gilder, this does not encourage men to greatness, it takes away from our capacity to perform the essential roles of mothering and it impacts poorly on our children - especially our sons.

Many of these observations are true today. Statistically, men still earn the majority of the income in a 2-parent family (with children). Men are still physically stronger than their wives. We still hear women complaining that where traditional roles of husband and wife are reversed (even for a short time), few men actually take on the full gamut of a mother's role, in the areas of house-keeping, cooking, shopping, nurturing children etc, leaving women frustrated. Many psychologists (both Christian and secular, e.g. Steve Biddulph) would still argue for the necessity of strong male role models in the lives of children - especially boys. Children who grow up without both a mother and a father in their lives are more likely to be socially, financially and emotionally disadvantaged. And, boys from single-parent families do worse than girls. (Just do a quick google search in the "scholar" category, and numerous studies will attest to this). In short, both mothers and fathers are still necessary.

Are mothers and fathers the same? Should they be? What different roles do you are your husband/ wife/ partner play in parenting?

Source: http://www.theusefulbox.com/2012/09/are-mothering-and-fathering-different.html

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